30 yr marriage in major trouble.

How do I renew my trust in my husband? We have been married for 31 years but 2 years ago he left. We had been living together separated for about a year and a half before he left. There were signs he was cheating but he says he was not. I won't go into the details of why he decided to leave. We have had a rocky marriage our whole married life. I came from a kind loving family and he came from a fighting abusive family. He continued the verbal abuse and did not and may still not see it as abuse. His answer to hurt feelings over some verbal, emotional or mental abuse has been just get over it. I don't believe in divorce and never thought I would go to get one but as the years went on and we had 2 children I couldn't take what he did to them. I considered divorce many times but they always said they didn't want me to. I still do not wish to divorce but when he left he cut off the credit card, had me blocked from one of the bank accounts and left me with an account holding $400 and a few dollars in cash. I have been a stay at home wife and so have not been in the work force in over 25 years, I also have Lupus and couldn't hold down a job anyway. I went to a lawyer and started divorce proceedings because I didn't know what else to do. He called and asked if I was ready for him to come home after several days of not telling me anything. I told him no that we needed to work some things out before he could come home. This made him very angry, he said I had no right to keep him from coming home so because I was afraid of what he might do I left for a while. He then asked if I had contacted a lawyer and I told him yes which also made him angry. He has hurt and manipulated me and threatened me with all kinds of things our whole married life and he wonders now why I don't trust him. We did drop our law suits and have been trying to reconcile for about a year now but I just don't trust him. I want to make our marriage work but I get scared every time I think about letting him come home. How do I learn to trust again? I am begging for help. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.

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Permalink Reply by judy flowers on February 11, 2012 at 11:34pm

I have been where you are now. Legal counsel can be good, but most lawyers are vultures, they lie and seem like they will help you. I would suggest you talk to people and find a good fair lawyer. I do not advocate divorce either, but unless you guys get some deep faith based counseling and work through the issues things will not change. First of all you need to make sure you take care of you. Get counseling at your church and abide in Christ. He promises to give us wisdom if we ask. I will check in tomorrow night and share some more. Be strong God will go before you.

Permalink Reply by Tonya Thomas on February 13, 2012 at 5:52pm

Hi,

There is nothing too hard for God.  You can do all things through Christ who strenghtens you.  You must set up boundaries with your husband.  He has an abusive personality and without some counseling, he will not change, without a personal relationship with Christ, he will not change. Without a personal, close relationship with Christ you will not see what you really need to do.  You must start spending quality time with God, daily, so you can hear the voice of God telling you what to do.  He did not give a spirit of fear, but you are living in fear.  You must take your God given strength, with the help of the Holy Spirit, and fight the spirit that lead your husband to act the way he does.  We have the helper, the Holy Spirit, to guide us and help us through every situation, if we allow Him to. Use God's words to strengthen like: God is my strength, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, No weapon formed against me shall prosper; Greater is He in me that he that in the world.  Read your word and use the scriptures against the evil in your life. Fight back with God's word.

If your husband is not providing the financial support you need, then start with a legal separation and ask for financial support that way.  Then go from that point.  If he gets angry about providing for his family, you have another issue, however, take care of your needs if he is not.  But do not be afraid because God's got your back if you ask Him.  God bless you.

Permalink Reply by Beth Miller on February 13, 2012 at 8:16pm
Thank you both Judy and Tonya, I am seeking Christian counseling and right now my husband is taking care of me financially. I think he's figured out it is cheaper than if I go through legal channels, he's doing good right now but I don't trust him. I do go to church and read constantly. I am seeking God's will in my life and know He won't steer me wrong.
Permalink Reply by Sandy T on March 10, 2012 at 1:55pm

Beth, How are things going for you and your husband?  I can feel your pain, much of what my husband and I have lived.  The Lord has opened door through the years for us to get couseling..he continued to live his promiscuous life...I would catch him in these lies...he confessed..says he loves me...repeating this pattern..we recently went to a doctor, paid him $100 for each visit..counseling...very good but way too much money out of pocket!  We found a Celbrate Recovery group in our area..WOW...you must go..check it out via the web....everyone there w/hurts, habits and hangups, addictons from A-Z...which qualifies us all....the sum total of SIN.  We have praise and worship, prayer, a teaching, then seperate into groups..all the men in one room and all the women in another..we bare our hurts, habits and hangups....much love, much support..this had been wonderful beyond words for my husband and I.  We've been married 33 years, have 3 children and 5 grandchildren..we want to leave a lasting spiritual heritage for them...exposing our wounded selves and seeking God for healing and restoration...let me know if you are able to check out a Celebrate Recovery group in your area.  I am praying for you and your marriage, your family.  Love, Sandy

Permalink Reply by Joshua on March 11, 2012 at 9:00am
I would first be concerned with your husbands salvation, and if he is saved, then trust tthe Spirit in him and Him in you and get good Christian counsel. If he is not saved, then you talk to your pastor and work on winning him to the Lord... watch God do the resr.
Permalink Reply by Beth Miller on March 12, 2012 at 9:40am
Sandy T
Thanks so much for your encouraging words. I will check for a Celebrate recovery group in our area. My husband and I are back together after much soul searching. He is doing much better and treating me like a queen. I know this can be short lived but am praying he has truly changed. I have told him I am afraid and he assures me he only wants to get along with me and love me. Please continue to pray and your story has encouraged me so much. Thank you.
Permalink Reply by Laura Marin on March 12, 2012 at 10:50pm
Sounds like the "treating me like a queen" part is what is called the "honeymoon phase" of the abuse cycle. Abusers generally do NOT truly change without going through a "quality abuser program", along with the help of the Holy Spirit renewing their MINDS; their minds being the key here. The abuse will likely continue, and even escalate over time. Praying for strength, courage, wisdom, provision for you...please read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft

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