I find myself drifting off to a time when I was young and vibrant and healthy. It was 1991 I was a full time university student with a career path and goals,when I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma. I got through the treatment and have had a relatively decent life. Ive experienced so many things that have helped me develop into the woman I am. I am a mother, lover, friend, student, supporter, teacher, girlfriend, survivor, driver, the list could fill the entire page. 

Today I have been pondering my life and where I am on my path. I work everyday trying to focus on the positive with some difficulty, because I am affraid that I am about to face the fight of my life, and that God has been preparing my surroundings to get things in order. A year ago I met the most amazing man who was also a Hodgkin's survivor. We are in a long distance relationship that has developed into something beautiful. He understands cancer and how it changes people and circumstances.

Now lets go back 4 weeks and I am at the doctors requesting a mammogram as its been years since having one. No big deal I am just trying to look after myself. One week later I find that my Left breast hurts and I think its from wrestling with my son and I must have been hit and it bruised. So I do not worry. Two weeks later I feel a sizeable lump, maybe the size of a large grape. Im thinking it has to be a cyst because it came up so fast that there was no way it was cancer. Im nonchalant about it and go about my week trying to focus on school and kids. By the end of the week I notice that the pain has subsided along with a decrease in size. I am not concerned as I a have my appointment booked a few days later and if there is an issue they will see it. Its now the day of my mammogram and Im having my body and breasts manipulated into unconventional positions. I look over at my images after wards and notice there is a dense white mass on my left breast image. I am told the radiologist needs a few more pictures to verify the mass. There is something not right so they send me for a ultrasound right away and off I go to another room. Im done now and go home with unanswered questions. One hour later I get the call from my doctors office saying I have to go to breast health and have a core needle biopsy. Inside I am freaking out and am in shock and begin to cry. Be positive don't think the worst, not possible when you are a cancer survivor. In the back of my mind there has always been secondary cancer and what if.

Ya I know God is in control and has a plan. But I have to say that when I woke up this morning I had this overwhelming feeling that he has been preparing me. I prayed for a man like Michael and God listened. Is Michael in my life as a support for what may be in front of me? I go for my biopsy on tuesday and than get my results on Feb 13. I can not lie, I am scared that there may be something more serious than I want face and what it could mean to my kids, relationship, family, school and my life in general. I prayed this morning that God did not put Michael in my life because I have cancer again. I told him that I will have mixed feelings about it. Im angry that he would put a man like Michael in my life for that purpose because it is not fair to him and his kids nor mine. The guilt he will feel because he can not be here for me physically. Then on the other hand I would be grateful because he understands cancer and can help me focus on health, exercise and whats good. 

Everything in life is a process and what I am feeling is normal. I do not want my fear to have power over my emotions and behaviours.

"God give me the strength to face this head on and focus on your heavenly light. Fill me with peace and prepare me for what may or may not come".

Carrie

Tags: acceptance, cancer, conflict, guidance, illness, struggle, understanding

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Carrie, my wife is severly disabled, and short of a healing, her compromised immune system will kill her, after leaving her in increasing pain and disability for many years.  I met her when she had the beginnings of her illness, and feel I can speak to the role your husband plays in your life.

God would not have chosen Michael for you if he was not able to be the man of God in your life, and be what you need, even in times of cancer. Michael must walk in the path chosen for him. "Acknowledge the Lord in all your ways, and He will direct your paths", we are promised. If we acknowledge Him in all our ways, do we not trust His word, and His promise to be the One behind the scenes, overshadowing the scenes, and guiding us in the way we should go? This is the trust we must have in Him. Consider, "Abraham believed God, and it was considered righteousness"....and why? Because Abraham acted on that belief. So, does Michael believe that his steps are ordered of God? If so, then let him show his belief and walk in the paths of his life, trusting that as He clings to God, the steps are ordered of Him.

And as for you, as well as Michael and your children, please consider that the challenge of satan to Job has never stopped being made. God is not in time, nor is satan, but even though satan is a created being, he is eternal. he only has a few lies, and is not at all all-wise as is God our Father, so he's limited in his deceptions and lies. And this is the challenge to God concering us free will creatures, unique in all the universe;  "touch their _____ and they will turn and curse You to Your face."    Or if you will, "Let Carrie's ill health return and she'll curse You to Your face."  And is this not the victory, that we who have been born of the Spirit, having tasted of the love of God, now say "No matter what may come, I CHOOSE YOU!!!"?  How often have we prayed, "Lord, be glorified in my life", and then our life turns bad, and we think He has abandoned us? However, if we choose Him no matter what, isn't that one of the ways He is glorified in our lives, as all the host of heaven are amazed at the love of God that produces such devotion? 

Be not afraid, dear Sister, but draw near to Him. This life is specially created for a specific purpose, and is not the norm. Eternity and LIFE everlasting is the norm!

Whatever comes, dear Sister. As one who has been redeemed, cling to that blessed truth that you are not abandoned. And in everything, rejoice for the opportunity to glorify Him by a faith and a love that never fades, even unto eternal life!

Jeff, thank you for your words of wisdom. There were a few messages that stood out to me; we all have our own path to walk and even if mine takes a different one from that of the people in my life there is a purpose in it. Regardless of the reason God put Michael in my life, he is a blessing and I am privileged to have him walk this path I am on. 

Today I am sitting in my University class trying to stay focused on God and positive thoughts. There are moments I can feel Satan trying to push my buttons with no success. Other days he grabs hold of me and creates a sense of hopelessness. I will have a much better picture of the road I need to take, after the 13th. I will just keep looking to God for strength and comfort.

Dear Carrie - Pls knwo I am praying for you.  Your sister in Christ.  Anne

Dear Carrie when the fear grips us In our health yes it is real scary but don't hold your head down child look up that's were our help comes from the great I am know that God desires a long and prosperous life fo those for his

There are people out there Carrie who do not see such things as a burden or a weakness. Trust in God, trust in Michael, and don't hold back because of your fears. If you push away from Michael or hold him at bay then it is you who is hurting the relationship. If you hold back from him even though you feel he is part of Gods path for you then you are denying God.

God loves us, and when we accept and know Christ we realize that life is not always sunshine and rainbows, but in the end it will be Joy and Glory. Focus on love, focus on the future, focus on the Lord and your relationship with him.

Don't focus on the negative things. Love sees past such things, both His and our own.

Your story is so very powerful. Thank you for sharing it with us. We appreciate you, your courage, and the courage of the loving support around you. God will take care, you know that. He will. 

Daddy God loves you so much. His love never gives up on you.

May God put His loving arms around you so you never feel alone. I believe He will heal you again. If dry bones could come  alive by a simple command then "He can restore you to even a much stronger person than you already are. I'm praying and trusting God on your behalf. God loves you so very much. 

Thought it was time to update the information regarding my health. I do have breast cancer and have had my mastectomy one week ago today. Ive decided to face this head on and fight for my health so I am here a long time to come. Today I buried my friend Clara who died from cancer which was bitter sweet for me. On one hand she is with our heavenly father and she has no more pain, yet we are left behind to pick up the pieces as life goes on around us. I know God has a purpose in everything and he will direct me to my life's purpose as long as I take the time to listen to him. Thank you to those of you that took the time to message me and pray for me. 

In all this God is good and loving and will walk this walk with me.

Carrie

Carrie,

We are praying for you!! God will take care! You are blessed. We are in your corner!!

David and the KTF family


carrie vanderkolk said:

Thought it was time to update the information regarding my health. I do have breast cancer and have had my mastectomy one week ago today. Ive decided to face this head on and fight for my health so I am here a long time to come. Today I buried my friend Clara who died from cancer which was bitter sweet for me. On one hand she is with our heavenly father and she has no more pain, yet we are left behind to pick up the pieces as life goes on around us. I know God has a purpose in everything and he will direct me to my life's purpose as long as I take the time to listen to him. Thank you to those of you that took the time to message me and pray for me. 

In all this God is good and loving and will walk this walk with me.

Carrie

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