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Here Goes
I know this will be alot for many people to take in. Alot for many people to not judge. It is scary to write this, but I have to do this. If you are of the mind to bash me, please just pass this one by ok? I know how terrible what I have done is, better than anyone else, and I ask that you try to be kind, I can't take much more, or I wouldn't be here talking about this. Having said that....here goes.
I guess it doesn't matter what my name is, but I am Kris. I will try to make this as uncomplicated and brief as I can. I was married for 12 years. I did divorce my husband for reasons that I don't go into here, but I never stopped loving him, or being in his life, and he is mine. Bad relationship I guess, but I loved him.
Well, eight years ago, we were out doing what we did for fun. Drinking and playing pool. He was the designated driver for the night. I was drunk. He got mad at me, left me with my car at the bar.I waited several hours, not by myself, there were parties everywhere that night. At 4 he still had not come back, and I decided I should try and find him. I did. On the side of the road, walking back to my house, about 15 miles. I didn't want to leave him there, and I didn't want to drive. I was frustrated, mad, hurt, scared. I kept driving away and coming back, I had seen two people hit on this stretch of highway in the previous three years I ended up hitting him the last time I pulled away. I hit the back of his leg, he hit the ground, and died of a brain injury.
Ok, i am the most horrible person ever, I know. I was sent to prison, our kids lost their Dad, their home, everything that was important to them, in one night of stupid.
I can't be sorry enough. I was reunited with my kids 6 years ago. I tried as hard as I knew to do the right things with them. I had been a good mom,I had never been in trouble before, ever. I loved my kids, took them with me all the time, they were my world. That sounds so stupid to say, but it was true. I have never ever drank again. Ever.
I can't get past this, my youngest son now hates me. This just developed as he got older and so needed his Dad to help him become a man. I don't blame him, I hate me too.
I just had to get this out, to put it on paper somewhere. Tell people to NEVER drink and drive, and if you are the designated driver, be sure to keep those keys. Love your children, don't make these terrible mistakes that I have. Please, if you see someone with car keys that is drinking, do whatever it takes to get those keys. You will save unending heartache.
Not a day goes by that I don't miss him, not a day goes by that I don't just want to hit myself in the face.
I recently lost a job, and it is very hard to have a record and find a job. So, please everyone think ok? I didn't and look what happened. I never thought this would happen to us, and I could hurt someone, much less be the cause of their death. It can and does happen every day. I want so to feel God's love, to know that He will help me get through what seems like an eternity left here on this earth. But, I don't. My son hates me, I hate me. My husbands family forgave me, and I didn't deserve that. I guess I want you all to know that, although I have been horrible, there have been times that I felt God's love, just not right now. My sons hatred hurts so, but you know what. He is entitled to that, that was HIS dad.
Many regrets, and I hope by sharing this, it will stop someone somewhere from making the same stupid choices I made.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Amanda Marie Waser on -
Kris if you truely are repentful then GOD will forgive you. He has brought murders, liers, thiefs and worse to heaven, because they asked for his forgiveness. Once you forgive yourself and GOD forgives you just start praying like there is no tomorrow. You will see your son will start to come around. If you are not already baptised do so. This washes away your sins and you are new. After you are baptised those sins are no longer in the book of life, because they are gone. You will feel like a new person and GOD will be with you like he is now. I have one of my favorite poems that gets me through things it is called FOOTPRINTS. You should read it. My father abandoned me my sister and my brother after my step mom died for another women. In one night our lives changed. I forgave him and then he put a gun to my husbands head and then I forgave him again. I don't talk to him anymore his wishes not mine, but I do pray everynight that he will change. So just give your son time and pray. But you have to forgive yourself. Bad things happen, but its how you handle that determines who you are. From what I read you payed enough for what happened just ask for forgivness and it will be given. God Bless you! I will be praying for you. If you just need to talk let me know.
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Permalink Reply by Gerald on -
Kris, God bless you angel! He loves you! Find healing and peace sweetheart! Who can judge you? The bible says " all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God"!
Gods grace is good enough for us because he loves us more than we can know! God loved you and I love you!
God, please touch Kris's heart lord, surround her with your spirit of peace! Release her from guilt and shame lord! And bind the enemy in her life, so that he may not accuse her
Bless Kris lord! Bless her with love and peace and soften her sons heart towards her, that he may love and honor his mother. In Jesus name amen!
Blessings!!!!
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Permalink Reply by Kris on -
Thank you. I wish I felt His love. Your words brought tears to my eyes, thank you.
Gerald said:Kris, God bless you angel! He loves you! Find healing and peace sweetheart! Who can judge you? The bible says " all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God"!
Gods grace is good enough for us because he loves us more than we can know! God loved you and I love you!
God, please touch Kris's heart lord, surround her with your spirit of peace! Release her from guilt and shame lord! And bind the enemy in her life, so that he may not accuse her
Bless Kris lord! Bless her with love and peace and soften her sons heart towards her, that he may love and honor his mother. In Jesus name amen!
Blessings!!!!
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Permalink Reply by Kris on
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I would never intentionally harm another like this, I have struggled with anger throughout my life. I work every day to be the person God wants me to be. When my son went away, it was like I went back eight years. I am trying so hard to hold on. I have another son, he is 22 and he needs me so. He just moved out (again, lol) and is doing well. I am trying to find the meaning in life, I can't see any. I am sad and hurt and just want this over. I don't know how to go on. I lived for my kids, and to lose one, I don't know how people do this. Thank you for your kind words, I know God forgave me that night. I hit the jail floor and wept and told Him everything and asked Him to forgive me and to please help our family. I just can't seem to get through another season of tears.
Amanda Marie Yaser said:Kris if you truly are repentful then GOD will forgive you. He has brought murders, liars, thieves and worse to heaven, because they asked for his forgiveness. Once you forgive yourself and GOD forgives you just start praying like there is no tomorrow. You will see your son will start to come around. If you are not already baptised do so. This washes away your sins and you are new. After you are baptised those sins are no longer in the book of life, because they are gone. You will feel like a new person and GOD will be with you like he is now. I have one of my favorite poems that gets me through things it is called FOOTPRINTS. You should read it. My father abandoned me my sister and my brother after my step mom died for another women. In one night our lives changed. I forgave him and then he put a gun to my husbands head and then I forgave him again. I don't talk to him anymore his wishes not mine, but I do pray every night that he will change. So just give your son time and pray. But you have to forgive yourself. Bad things happen, but its how you handle that determines who you are. From what I read you payed enough for what happened just ask for forgiveness and it will be given. God Bless you! I will be praying for you. If you just need to talk let me know.
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Permalink Reply by Shannon Knight on -
I don't know if my story will help you, but i pray it does sweetie, God bless you real good. Don't you know you are God's daughter...Would you forgive your child for such a horrible thing as this???? I think you would, let God forgive you... or should I say, realize he has<3 PAY IT FORWARD DARLING
Okay, I just had an Ahhhh Haaaa moment!!! :)
My Birthday Present to me is TRUTH!
I have waited 12 years to write a story of my trials and successes, not for pity (those who know me, know that's not my way...my way is to always try and to inspire others, to reach out to others, to help others hang on. Yes, I've been accused of being a Pollyanna, but at age 48, do you really think I care what anyone but God thinks of me?
I have been frozen, absolutely frozen in getting the words down on paper for a book. The reason? I wrote my reason to a dear friend of 5 years now who wants my story and could do something very good with it so it could reach out to others and help people that are struggling or have struggled and have been beating themselves up mentally over it for way too long. It could lead others to the Lord or back to Him if they think for some reason they are not deserving because of some mistakes along their life path. I have not been able to write it for my friend because of two reasons (one; well, it was just too ugly to write the details, but that is remedied now; I tell the story and someone else writes it for me. The real reason and problem I realized and it was foolish and I wrote this last night in my letter to my friend was," I have waited this long in giving you this story because, "I WANTED A HAPPY ENDING". God must be laughing at me, because no sooner did I hit the send key, did I realize that there IS NO HAPPY ENDING. Not here on earth any way. We find happiness and sadness throughout our entire life. we have all smiled and all cried.
I have a career now, I'm in remission from stage 4 cancer, I am starting a new non profit organization to raise money for airline tickets to help cancer patients get to the hospital of their choice for treatment. I can lose it all, that's a fact. It's up to me to perceive it as a loss or as a new path to something else God has planned for me. What do we base our Happy ending on anyway. When life ends here on earth "It's not over! Our life here is a series of lessons, good times, hard times, change, faith, barely hanging on, feeling all alone, feeling lot's of support, feeling odd man out, feeling like a champion, feeling like a complete fool, wishing we could turn back time and other times feeling like we have not one single regret! We change, we are human and there is no happy ending until we are with our heavenly Father.
Right now we are like water, constantly changing. from snow, rain, ice, water, stream, river, ocean, and a calm pond. We experience pain, joy grief, death, birth, so much change and we know this life is not forever. No matter how much we distract ourselves, in our heartest of hearts, we know this life here on earth is not our HAPPY ENDING and will not last forever, it could end tomorrow. so love with all you have today.
So, to expect myself to wait for the right time to come along to tell my story; a story that might inspire others to hold on and don't lose faith or help them realize their own strength through my challenges and experiences, is like waiting for all the lights to turn green before I turn that key in my ignition to make a trip to the other side of the nation. It's silly and it will never ever happen. Just turn the key, make the trip and as my friend wrote to me last year (Write the damn book!) We need to share our experiences with each other, help one another, we are all in this life together for however long it is ♥http://keepthefaith.com/profiles/blogs/my-happy-ending?xg_source=ac...
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Permalink Reply by Kris on
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Shannon Knight said:I don't know if my story will help you, but i pray it does sweetie, God bless you real good. Don't you know you are God's daughter...Would you forgive your child for such a horrible thing as this???? I think you would, let God forgive you... or should I say, realize he has<3 PAY IT FORWARD DARLING
Okay, I just had an Ahhhh Haaaa moment!!! :)
My Birthday Present to me is TRUTH!
I have waited 12 years to write a story of my trials and successes, not for pity (those who know me, know that's not my way...my way is to always try and to inspire others, to reach out to others, to help others hang on. Yes, I've been accused of being a Pollyanna, but at age 48, do you really think I care what anyone but God thinks of me?
I have been frozen, absolutely frozen in getting the words down on paper for a book. The reason? I wrote my reason to a dear friend of 5 years now who wants my story and could do something very good with it so it could reach out to others and help people that are struggling or have struggled and have been beating themselves up mentally over it for way too long. It could lead others to the Lord or back to Him if they think for some reason they are not deserving because of some mistakes along their life path. I have not been able to write it for my friend because of two reasons (one; well, it was just too ugly to write the details, but that is remedied now; I tell the story and someone else writes it for me. The real reason and problem I realized and it was foolish and I wrote this last night in my letter to my friend was," I have waited this long in giving you this story because, "I WANTED A HAPPY ENDING". God must be laughing at me, because no sooner did I hit the send key, did I realize that there IS NO HAPPY ENDING. Not here on earth any way. We find happiness and sadness throughout our entire life. we have all smiled and all cried.
I have a career now, I'm in remission from stage 4 cancer, I am starting a new non profit organization to raise money for airline tickets to help cancer patients get to the hospital of their choice for treatment. I can lose it all, that's a fact. It's up to me to perceive it as a loss or as a new path to something else God has planned for me. What do we base our Happy ending on anyway. When life ends here on earth "It's not over! Our life here is a series of lessons, good times, hard times, change, faith, barely hanging on, feeling all alone, feeling lot's of support, feeling odd man out, feeling like a champion, feeling like a complete fool, wishing we could turn back time and other times feeling like we have not one single regret! We change, we are human and there is no happy ending until we are with our heavenly Father.
Right now we are like water, constantly changing. from snow, rain, ice, water, stream, river, ocean, and a calm pond. We experience pain, joy grief, death, birth, so much change and we know this life is not forever. No matter how much we distract ourselves, in our heartest of hearts, we know this life here on earth is not our HAPPY ENDING and will not last forever, it could end tomorrow. so love with all you have today.
So, to expect myself to wait for the right time to come along to tell my story; a story that might inspire others to hold on and don't lose faith or help them realize their own strength through my challenges and experiences, is like waiting for all the lights to turn green before I turn that key in my ignition to make a trip to the other side of the nation. It's silly and it will never ever happen. Just turn the key, make the trip and as my friend wrote to me last year (Write the damn book!) We need to share our experiences with each other, help one another, we are all in this life together for however long it is ♥http://keepthefaith.com/profiles/blogs/my-happy-ending?xg_source=ac...
THANK YOU!!!!
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