Ask Dr. Gary Chapman

Each week, Dr. Gary Chapman answers your relationship questions and addresses your concerns in his LOVE IN ANY LANGUAGE segment on KeepTheFaith radio. 

While Dr. Chapman cannot possibly answer each and every question posted by our members, he will select from those submitted right here on this page! So, we invite you to post yours below, now. 

Or, if you'd prefer to call Dr. Chapman directly at Keep The Faith, dial 800-335-1249.  You will be able to leave your recorded question or relationship issue for him and it may be selected to be included on our program.

To learn more about Dr. Chapman's THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES, please click HERE


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Comment by Carrie on August 15, 2016 at 3:48pm

Hello Dr. Chapman.

I have been married for 3 years now. When we got married I thought we had loved each other. We had gotten pregnant out of marriage and then ended up getting married a year later. I had always been follower of Christ but for a short while I had a wild time in my life. We had a rough start and I ended up giving it to God and committed my life to him again. I realized I need him in this situation and without him it just won’t get better. All 3 years I have been trying to support him, love him, give him every single kind of act of love I can think of and it doesn’t seem to work. The past 3 months I have been quite and non-responsive to his mean gestures and words. I have been patiently waiting while at the same time trying to be that love for him. I read  your book and I understand it completely. But my issue is with all the counsel I have gotten from my parents I have been trying these things for a while. And there has been no change. I don’t know what to do. I feel like this is just a never ending battle. My husband feels like there’s nothing wrong with the way he acts. He almost gets joy out of hurting me emotionally. What can I do to save my marriage? Is it worth saving?   

Thank You

Comment by Jason McCray on May 16, 2016 at 10:40am

I have been married for almost 13 years have two children 7 and 3.  My wife came to me about 8 months ago saying she is having these feelings she can't get rid of.  We have tried counseling the problem is she says she knew all along that she did not love me and has been surpressing these feelings.  She says that she thinks she did not wait on God so it is not his will for us to be married.  I have tried everything to keep her from leaving  just needing your thoughts on this difficult situation.  thanks Jay

Comment by MelissaC on January 15, 2016 at 1:09pm
Dr. Chapman I would like to know your opinion on the 5 love languages when it comes to blended marriages and children. My love language is Acts of service but when the children are home I am more hurt by the lack of support and consistency with the kids than with him not doing things around the house. The things he does, while the kids are away, don't fill my love tank nearly as much when they are home and honestly I don't like that about myself, but I'm trying to understand it. Is it that maybe it's not an exclusive act of service once the kids enter the picture or the lack of action when his kids are not following rules and making me the bad guy? I Would also like to know if other languages seem to change when the household dynamic changes and how you would suggest we work through that.
Comment by Mariah Boland on November 9, 2015 at 5:22pm
I have a story to tell. A story that needs to be shared everywhere. It's of these past few years of my life. It's about how God put two men in my life. These people saved my life. Two unsuspecting men who you would think would never help. It's interesting to have this happen.
Two years ago in 2013, I was a senior in high school. I had been struggling with bipolar and was in the process of getting the right treatment. It was painful to go through. It hurt so bad. I couldn't deal with it. I just wanted it to end. One day when my dad went to the store with my brother and my mom was at work, I thought of the permanent solution for a nonpermanent problem. I thought of a knife. I found one and went into my room. I just wanted to take out all of my pain on my body. I wanted to watch a video on YouTube. I went to YouTube expecting to watch a funny video, instead YouTube suggested a video of a speech someone made in 2011. I was curious so I checked it out. I watched that video and what he spoke was truth. It spoke to me. I knew I couldn't die. Why would I? I wanted to live. I made that decision to live. The next day I went to find that video and the user deleted their account. So, as if I was meant to see it. Like I was supposed to live and not die. Now, who was that man in the video? I later found out that he was Texas Senator and Presidential Candidate Ted Cruz. That video was the Hays County Reagan/Lincoln Dinner from February 2011. God used Ted Cruz to save my life.
Now, I have made good things in life since then. But just recently I had been straying away from God. I stated questioning faith. At an event last night(Nov. 7, 2015) I met with a candidate for US Senate. His name is Robert(Bob) Larivee. I was talking with him about how I struggle with bipolar. The next thing that comes out of his mouth surprised me. He asked me "Do you believe in God?" I answered with "Well yea." He then asked "Let me ask you, if you were to die today, would you go to Heaven?" I thought about it and answered in the most truthful way "I don't know." He talked to me about Jesus and how I could get to Heaven. I have never had that kind of conversation with a candidate in my life. That night I asked Jesus into my life. Funny thing is, I wasn't even supposed to be at that event. I decided to go at last minute when my friend asked.
Aren't these two interesting? Ted Cruz saved my life. Bob Larivee lead me to Christ. These two men deserve credit. God deserves praises. None of this would have happened if God didn't want me alive. That YouTube video wasn't random. It was planned. Me deciding to go at last minute was planned out that way. I am here and saved because of these two men being guided by God. I am sharing this story to others so that they can see how God works. I thought I would share this with you. I'm hoping that others can have the same: Life.
That's just my two cents.
Comment by Melinda Patterson on April 21, 2013 at 8:32am

I have been dating an addict for almost 3 and a half years.  Before we met, he prayed to God to send him a sober woman, and then I walked into his life. He is a religious man with a true love for God.  I have a special connection with him that I never experienced before, so I felt as if God wanted us to be together.  I know that no one is perfect, and I know he tries to be good and is sorry for his sins, and he puts God first in his life.  But, there has been so many times that he lied to me, stole from me, and did things behind my back that I am so very scarred and paranoid about anything he does.  I can't believe a thing he says to me and I still have an extremely hard time trusting him.  It's making me physically and mentally sick.  I ask God for signs to know if we should be together, and I feel God is telling me that we should.  But, I am going still going crazy in this relationship with my boyfriend, and I just can't take it anymore.   The only reason why I am still hanging on is because I think God wants us to.  I am trying to trust God through this, and I have learned a lot of lessons for myself in this relationship, but I don't understand why God would want me to live my life not trusting the person I am with.  I also have a good job opportunity many, many, many states away, but the only reason why I would not take it is because of my boyfriend.  I am so confused!  We've had so many talks about issues in our relationship, but the end results are always inconsistent.  I feel like it shouldn't be so complicated after all this time.  I have decided to love my boyfriend no matter what, but I feel as if I am not getting the same in return.  I feel as if he needs to put God and himself first, and take care of his personal issues but he says he still wants me to be there for him.  I am so sick and tired, and I want to put my needs and my self first, but I feel so guilty.  I don't know if this relationship is worth continuing.

Comment by Linda M. Johnson on April 6, 2013 at 10:16pm
Hello Dr Chapman. I am a huge fan of your book " five Love Languages" and am currently reading the Love Languages for Singles version. My question is: how do you know what your priority Love Language is. I have a few that seem to be equally important to me. I also find it hard to pinpoint the priority Love Language of others. Can you help?
Thanks for your time.
Comment by Steve Benjamin on February 1, 2013 at 8:59am

Hi Dr. Chapman, My name is Steve. I have only been married for a year and a half. It has been nothing like a marriage should be. I just got done reading The Five Love Languages and sat down to talk with my wife about it. She has emotionally checked out and holds on to such bitterness and anger towards the hard times we have gone through. She insists she needs space and wants a seperation which I am against, because I don't want to be separated from our kids. Her love language is acts of service, but I think word of encouragement is a close second. I have been working hard on both, but she is unwilling to let her guard down and acts out of anger. It isn't abusive anger but it is a huge road block from moving in any direction. I gave her your book to read, but I am losing hope in her picking it up and reading it. What else can I do? I have also asked her to seek help and talk to someone about the feelings of bitterness that she won't let go of.

Comment by Russell Eugene Wyatt II on September 16, 2012 at 9:20am

Hi Dr. Chapman, My name is Russell I'm 51 my wife Lynne is 55 this my 2nd marriage and her 3rd . We got married 5yrs ago and it was great our marriage was built on God word after a couple years things started going down hill lifes promblems came between us I kept praying that God would help us and it just got worse I gave up on us and God and left 18 month ago. God finaly broke me and I came back I believe he wanted me to restore my marriage and we have had our ups and down but we both agreed this is what God wants. I had filed for divorce while we were seperated but after we spent a night together back in Aug. we decided we would work things out so I had the divorce dismissed befor that we were seeing each other 2 or 3 times a week but sence then we only see each other on Sundays at church and 2 maybe 3 hours after church we talk on the phone most every day I want to see other more but she doesn't I keep praying that God will change things but nothing changes this has been going on for 6 weeks and now I'm at the piont of giving up again I had faith and trusted God would restore our marriage and now I have a little just a little faith but I just don't believe anymore I'm like the father in Mark 9: 17-29 my hopes and dreams for this marriage are guickly fading away what do I do.I'm afraid if I don't see God moving soon I'll just give up again. Thanks Russell

Comment by Eagle on September 2, 2012 at 11:25am
Divorce after an abusive marriage? We have two children (boy and girl)who have autism. We have been married for 10 years and I could not take the abuse any more.....hitting, screaming, condemnation, belittling, etc
Comment by Rebecca on August 20, 2012 at 9:31pm

Hi Dr. Chapman.  I'm 27 years old and am single.  I have dated several men who are Christians and was looking at them as potential future husbands, but God led either them or myself to end the relationship since it didn't seem to be the right one.  I am friends with a guy who ended a very serious, but somewhat sort relationship about 8 months ago.  He at first said he was ready to move on, but as we started to express interest in one another, he was honest with me and told me that he was still clinging onto hope, but also hurt from the end of his previous relationship.  We agreed to be friends to get to know each other and see where God might slowly lead us while my friend tries to move past the hurt.  My friend initially said that he was "ready" to be married, but I think he was ready to marry her.  So I'm trying to look at our friendship more objectively so that I can decide whether God may lead me to move forward with it. Would you agree that for my position this is the right approach?  Should we try to just be friends and see where it goes?  The hard part is that I'm attracted to him because he has a lot of the qualities that I'm looking for in a husband and so while I've been able to maintain a physical distance, I am struggling inside because I want it to be more than a friendship.  Do you have any recommendations?

Comment by Audrey Zatopek on July 15, 2012 at 12:04pm

How do I get out of a relationship that is not honoring to God, but do it in a way that doesn't absolutely crush the other person? Especially when they claim to be a Christian as well and I don't feel them leading me in my faith?

Comment by Brian Perry on July 8, 2012 at 9:59pm

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and we are now separated, but still living together.  I have failed her by not knowing her love language.  It has taken me this to understand it, but she is now cold to me and doesn't believe in me.  She is tired of trying and doesn't want to live this way anymore.  How can I show her I have woken up and I am trying to be the man that God wants me to be and I want a marriage based on the what the Bible says on marriage?  She keeps saying one day at a time, but she is very numb now.  She has prayed for a year that I become that man, and now that I am trying she is pushing away.

Comment by Miranda on June 8, 2012 at 6:28pm

My Husband and I have been together for 15 years, we got pregnant with our first daughter when I was only 18, were married 2 years after she was born and now have 3 amazing children together. I am happily married and love my husband and our family with all my heart, I was a stay at home mom with the first 2 children and did most everything around the house, I didn't mind since I was home. I went to work full time when our girls were 8 and 5. I then had a baby and went back to work full time after he was born, I feel like when I went to work full time, my duties at home remained the same with little help around the house, and a full time job, and full time mom. I often feel overwhelmed and ask for help, however recently I asked for some emotional support and whenever I do, my husband automatically says he feels like I am showing signs of wanting out of our marriage...THIS is NOT the case!!! I love him and divorce or separation is NOT an option. How do I express to him that I just need more Quality Time or Words of affirmation(which are my 2 top love languages, boy does that book make sense!!) without him feeling like I am looking for a way out...I just want my feelings to be as recognized as I think I make his! Thanks

Comment by Ricardo O. Canales on April 29, 2012 at 8:24am

I am standing for my marriage, I was married for 17 years and 2 years ago she said that she needed to find herself. I have not pushed for renewal except to say that I am here for her and I continue to practice as many of the love languages as I can with her. She has said that I am not her person now and of course this hurts. I wear my ring and let her know my love is unconditional. Just wondering if you have any insight to the thoughts of spouses that chose this road?

Comment by kaye on March 8, 2012 at 3:09pm


Comment by jocelyn on February 10, 2012 at 8:15pm

Dr. Chapman,

i am married to my husband for 9 years now.i have left him several times in the past but he pursued me and i came back.he never put his hands on me but the verbal abuse is worse.he doesn't believed in God the way i believed God,but let his 9 yrd old son go w/ me in the church and even had him enrolled in sunday's school,of course the responsibility of bringing him to the church is on me.he doesn't go to church.he hasn't slept w/ me for the last 6 months now but he blamed it on me.i asked him one time if he'd slept w/ somebody while married to me,his answer was it's because of me,so i take that as a yes..we don't go places together,we never go anywhere. it's been 3 christmases and 3 birthdays of mine that he didnt give me anything not even a card.he doesnt greet me at all.the only thing that keep me from leaving is his parents.the're very supportive,i can talk to them my problems w/ him.i opened my own bank account because he just took all my money from my account when we still have joint he wants to see my bank account,he said i can see his if i want to.he has his own business and there''s no way i can see all the comings and goings of his money.I am giving him my share of expenses in the house,it's not big but it's 80% of what i earnedand still have to buy the grocery and do all the household chores

and he never help but complained why things are done like this and like that.when i watch tv,he just change the channel w/out asking if i'm watching.He cuss a lot,and it disgusts me.I don't really want a divorce but i don't know what else to do.I'm not getting any younger and i want to be happy in life..he's a controlling freak.Please help me.I need guidance..God Bless.


Comment by Beth Miller on February 7, 2012 at 7:47am
How do I renew my trust in my husband? We have been married for 31 years but 2 years ago he left. We had been living together separated for about a year and a half before he left. There were signs he was cheating but he says he was not. I won't go into the details of why he decided to leave. We have had a rocky marriage our whole married life. I came from a kind loving family and he came from a fighting abusive family. He continued the verbal abuse and did not and may still not see it as abuse. His answer to hurt feelings over some verbal, emotional or mental abuse has been just get over it. I don't believe in divorce and never thought I would go to get one but as the years went on and we had 2 children I couldn't take what he did to them. I considered divorce many times but they always said they didn't want me to. I have found out since then that one of my children used to lay in bed at night a pray that I would divorce him and the other said they would have been fine with it. I still do not wish to divorce but when he left he cut off the credit card, had me blocked from one of the bank accounts and left me with an account holding $400 and a few dollars in cash. I have been a stay at home wife and so have not been in the work force in over 25 years, I also have Lupus and couldn't hold down a job anyway. I went to a lawyer and started divorce proceedings because I didn't know what else to do. He called and asked if I was ready for him to come home after several days of not telling me anything. I told him no that we needed to work some things out before he could come home. This made him very angry, he said I had no right to keep him from coming home so because I was afraid of what he might do I left for a while. He then asked if I had contacted a lawyer and I told him yes which also made him angry. He has hurt and manipulated me and threatened me with all kinds of things our whole married life and he wonders now why I don't trust him. We did drop our law suits and have been trying to reconcile for about a year now but I just don't trust him. I want to make our marriage work but I get scared every time I think about letting him come home. How do I learn to trust again? I am begging for help. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.
Comment by Karla Landa on February 6, 2012 at 10:58pm

How can I be in a relationship when he is not fully with God or like he calls himself christian but he is not full in him or with him.. should I keep going with this?

Comment by Lisa Proch on February 6, 2012 at 9:23pm

Dr. Chapman,

How do you continue in a relationship with an alcholic who keeps denying he doesn't have a problem?



Comment by Diana Meyer Bobo on February 6, 2012 at 6:49pm

Dr Chapman ~ I am having a crisis... let me start out by saying I married my first husband at the age of 20, we had a beautiful daughter 6mos later and before she was 2 we were divorced.  I re-married several years later a wonderful man who came to know the Lord through our relationship and we were married 21yrs last May.  I say were, because we have been separated since October... we did have fights and arguments ~ who doesn't... and at times we did speak of divorce, but both felt it wasn't what God wanted.  About a year or so ago, I caught my husband "video cheating" if I can say that... it was NOT something I knew about or felt was a "Godly thing" and I told him so!  He acted as if it was a one-time thing and that he was sorry and it wouldn't happen again.  Well, back in September, I caught him again ~ walked in on him in our bedroom with his laptop on his chest.... I was so hurt and crushed that I guess I made life miserable for him, he said he's done this since he was young, can't/won't stop and he asked me to leave because he just wants to be HAPPY!!!! Dr Chapman, I feel like such a failure that I have failed at marriage not once, but twice.... I will always love my husband, but I can't live with someone who lies to you for over 21yrs and then tells you he doesn't know why he married you ~ and he's not sure he EVER loved you!  I have a strong faith in God, but I have been hurt by both these men (and just to say, I never felt love from my earthly Father, who is still alive, but I have always felt that he has a special place in his heart for my two older sister's who have MS and of course the "apple of his eye" my younger brother, his ONLY son!!! and there was never much love for me.....)

I guess my question is why do I keep looking for LOVE in all the wrong places??? Why do I attract men who don't really love me, but I will do ANYTHING for them?!?!?!

thank you for your ministry and for listening!


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