Hidden Hurts
20 December 2012
  I figured I better get one more entry in just in case the world ends tomorrow. One thing I haven't quite figured out is why, if the Mayans were so wise, learned and full of foresight, why I can't find one alive to talk to. So much for the levity part of tonight's entertainment. When Advent first started I was so full of expectancy and joy for the upcoming Christmas season but as the days went by it seems I was assaulted on every side emotionally and spritually. I have been forced to be a silent observer of a sister going through a deep depression and feeling powerless to help. At the same time that self-same depression is trying to cover me like a dark ominous cloud. I am pretty sure this isn't the valley of the shadow of death but I am fairly confident it is probably a pathway in that direction. Interesting how it is always the unspoken and hidden fears that attack us so viciously.Have you ever tried to wield the sword of faith against an invisible foe? It is truly a frustrating thing. Scripture speaks of sowing and reaping and I wish I knew what I sowed to get this harvest. I had a sister come by early (4:30 AM) needing to talk and just relax for a while waiting for her doctor's office to open. One of her first statements was that she didn't want to offend me but wanted to talk about her spiritual journey and her relationship with her Creator. The first thought I had was thinking how sad it was that knowing our relationship as sisters she even felt a need to start with an apology and I realized that a great many personal conversations start that way. We are sent here to help each other along the way but most of us are afraid to ask for help or input, I am not sure if it is stubborn pride or hidden fear of rejection or maybe both. I really don't know that I had any great words of wisdom but I was a safe haven where she could feel comfortable baring her innermost feelings. Some guy will come along, read this last line out of context, and find some dark secreted sexual inuendo with which to condemn us but so be it. I have a sister in Delaware I have become close friends with who called and shared the joy of starting HRT and taking her first shot of estrogen, let the games begin. She alsdo gave me a link on a christian forum site we both are members of that had a blog whose title was "Sex Changes-Are they a sin?". I was actually impressed by how many equate "sex change" with sexual activity when that isn't even a consideration but I was touched by the young lady asking the question, she was truly trying to get a handle on what it is as well as questioning whether it was a sin or not. I took an opportunity to share both who I was as well as giving her honest solid information to assess as she makes her decisions on the answer to the question, hopefully sharing the truth will help her understand both our perspective and what it actually is instead of getting half truths. Ten days from tomorrow my fiance will be moving into my home and the time is dragging so slowly it is almost painful. I am both looking forward to and dreading Christmas Day. The plus side is obvious especially with a 20+ month old grandson living in my home but there is a dark side in that my middle son Joshua Wayne died on Christmas night 2007 and my heart still aches and grieves at times over the loss. It was also my wife's favorite time of year and I miss her constant bubbly joy throughout the whole season, it is not easily replaced but is deeply missed and leaves a damper on my soul. Her birthday was December 19th and was also a very painful and difficult day particularly in the quiet times throughout the day.  It is now the 21st of December and the only thing that has passed away is my Peace and membership on two Christian chat sites. I have tried ,apparently in vain, to build bridges of communication with my christian brothers and sisters to help them possibly begin to understand that within the LGBT community there are many committed and passionate christians but sadly they always get around to telling me all of the reasons I need to repent or change my ways. I was hoping that in this season of Christmas hope that we could find a common ground in the Lordship of Jesus Christ but ultimately they all went back to the Old Testament or past the Gospels to tell me what Paul or the others had to say. I wonder if it grieves the Father's heart as it does mine. We all worship the same Lord and yet they feel a need to correct and save us from being who we were created to be. They have no idea how deeply their words cut into our hearts and leave so many of their own brothers and sisters in tears and with broken spirits and actually resenting the one who created us all because of the words and actions of some of His children. It hurts so deeply when your christian family despises you and yet the secular world around you at least tries to understand you and accept you at face value. I find myself wondering if one of the things written in the sand in scripture were the words "false religious pride" or "false piety". This evening I have been setting up a christmas tree to welcome the Christmas spirit within my home and yet on Christmas Eve and Christmas day I would not be welcome within the majority of Christian churches because I don't meet their criteria. This could well be the last Christmas I spend on earth but I hope future generations don't have to face and deal with the feelings and emotions of being denied access into the   communities set apart to worship the Child who is our Redeemer, the ultimate gift of Love from the Father to ALL His children. May you be Blessed with a joyous and love-filled Christmas.

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Comment by Charlena Andrews on December 22, 2012 at 8:50am

Dallas,

 Thanks for the comment and I am available 24/7 to all the people around me since I do a great deal od counselling and mentoring. On the second issue I have chosen to seperate mtself from the sites as a form of self preservation. As for when I came out as myself my home church of over 12 years and had been a part of both the Worship and Prophetic ministry teams the pastor and prophet of the house both informed me that Charlena, my true self,  was not welcome but if I chose to come back as my former  male personna which was clearly walking in deception I could remain a part of the church and the ministry. I chose not to live a lie, released all the spiritual children ( all adults and married couples) under my care and moved on. My heart is to build bridges and not to reinforce the walls of seperation in the Body of Christ. I am available to talk or chat with if you need me, i AM AHARLENA ANDREWS ON FACEBOOK and at gmail I am charlenaandrews. Though I seldom use it I am on Yahoo as charlenaforever. I pray the Father blesses you with Peace and that our Daddy who is called "Jehovah Rophe and Jehovah Jireh will be for you a provison for total healing and a provision for your wholeness and completeness even as He has been the same for me. Merry Christmas Dallas, may you be blessed with a joyous and hope-filled day and the year ahed.

Your sister in Christ Jesus,

Ms. Charlena Marie Andrews

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