I just needed to tell someone my story and i need advice so confused right now.

ok well first of all I am 20 years old as of april 2 and i lost my gramma patsy to an unknown cancer she had masses in her lungs and pelvic area. I tryed to be with her everyday but its hard when u have a new bb and a 2 year old.she fought so hard because she knew i needed her so much.But the cancer got the best of her and she passed away march 5 2011.She was just like my mom and heres the best part she couldnt have kids and my biological grandpa married her before i was born.My grandpa who i call popa already had 2 kids my dad and my auntie they were still kids when my popa and gramma got together.My dad met my mom had me and my gramma always had me from the time i left the hospital my mom said she would have to steal me back but i cryed for her.So most of my 19 years i was with my gramma she was a very spiritual lady she taught me everything i know about god the bible everything.But anyways my dad committed suicide when i was 8 my gramma was the one who helped me pray for him and she helped me get through it.she was there for everything she was the one i turned to.When she was sick she tried so hard to be strong for me never let me feel her pain or sadness and it was my turn to be there for her but she wouldnt except that.I believd she would get better i prayed and waited for the day the doc said patsy ur cancer is gone u can go home.I didnt believe it and i still dont.I remember the last days i had with her were quiet she was sleeping i read magazines every noise every move i quickly jumped up and tucked her in made sure she was ok.I remember i didnt go to the hospital for a couple days due to weather i stayed an hour away.But when the sun peaked out i went to the hospital got there at 9am stayed till 6pm and that day was no differnt but i cryed in her room scared i was showing weakness i walked out but came back.when i was leaving i told my gramma i loved her so much and wrote her a letter her siblings read to her that night kissed her and i planned to sleep there 2 days later but i got a phone call that morning around 7 it was her sister saying she was gone.I didnt cry and when i got to the hospital i felt nervous scared shaky and not there i felt like i was dreaming or something i was in a blurr.At the funrel i ingored the fact she was gone i ingnored the fact it was her funrel and i was still in a blurr we put her to rest.Wheni came home its like that didnt happen.I feel so lost confused i dnt know what to do because she guided me i told her everything she was my best friend evrything.I havent cryed only when i seen her at the hospital that first second than sucked it up and walked away and since then i havent cryed i feel like i cant its stuck inside.I feel like im living my life existing right everyone can see me but im not here.i even think omg i gotta phone my gramma or i wait for her to call and it breaks my heart.But what should i do i pray everynight but everyone moved on and im stuck and i think of the poem footprints and is god with me but im scared im like this because when the docs disgnosed my gramma i was so angry at god and didnt understand why he did this to my gramma i prayed for him to give it to me and take it away from her but he nevered i was just mad and it made me angry wheni see my gramma praying for everybody but her self and just asking him that she doent suffer i felt like tellin her why u askin him for help he did this to u but in time i relized she wasnt mad at him so why should i yea hes taking her away from me but she was sorta ok with it but how do i stop feeling this way everyone keeps tellin me to pray but it aint working i feel like im sinking more and more. 

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Comment by Mark Courtis on March 11, 2013 at 11:34am

i cant even begin to know how you feel, you lost someone but here are some places to get some help

 

(714) NEW-HOPE or (714) 639-4673

 

or http://newhopenow.org/counseling/liveperson.html

 

it is a new hope counseling line.. and remeber you are loved

Comment by Jeff Levinson on July 17, 2012 at 9:50pm

Danielle, I hope you read these posts by these dear people here. If I may, like one who's come late to the meeting, add my thoughts, please know this:

This world is a temporary situation with an eternal purpose. We are here only for a short time, and then when our bodies die, we step into eternity. For us who know Jesus, it's from life to LIFE.

Danielle, as I read your post, the thought that materialized in me was that it's time for you to have your own relationship with Jesus. Do you know that when God made you, He created love just for you?

When you pray, get alone, turn off the radio, the tv, the cellphone, and kneel down. Put your hand over your mouth, and consider WHO it is you will be addressing. Then get real with Him. No form prayers. No lengthy rants. Just genuine. He loves you SO MUCH! And I absolutely know this with no doubt. You will see your Grandma again, if you belong to Jesus. When it is your time to leave this world, and you belong to Jesus, she will be there to welcome you into Heaven. You don't have to hope this is true. You can believe it!

Comment by YOHANNES ESTIFANOS on May 6, 2011 at 7:01pm
Sweatheart, you need to be strong in the lord.
If you do go to church speak with your paster.
When you pray, thank the lord for ur life first. Be open and talk with the
the lord like you would with your folks or your best friends.
It was time for ur grandma to rest. God loves u and I will keep praying for u.
Comment by Debbie on May 6, 2011 at 5:08pm

Danielle, my deepest sympathies go out to you in your loss of your gramma.  We can be spiritual people as your gramma was who taught you to be.  As with belief she is gone to a far more beautiful realm than we are in, even so, we mourn the loss of loved ones in our lives.  We miss them for we loved them. 

My mom died when I was 23 and I went numb like you. I did not cry either. I was like you too in that I have a young child,  a daughter of four years old. I know I was in shock and believe you are in too.  Tears did not fall until years later. It could be you are disappointed that God did not answer your prayers as you are angry with God.  We may never know the reason why things happen the way they do.

I do know that down the road there will come a time when good memories will surface. Ttimes or memories of her which you will cherish and hold onto into your heart. It happened to me.  I do know as well nothing can ever take away what a person gives to us, what we have stored in our hearts.  She gave to you Danielle, gifts of love she gave the gift of herself to you, her love for you. Things also which you mention teachings of the spiriutal life.  Your times spent together are in your memory and of conversations shared.  Times such as these will surface down the road, sweet memories will remain once the numbness and grieving period is over. When your heart is aching for her in your heart you will find her again.   In a sense, she will always be with you for as long as you live or your memory is good for what you both had in relationship with each other is yours that no one can take away from you..

God gave us hearts to love, he gave us feelings and senses all so we may know love in its fullest. He also heals broken hearts and turns our sorrow or mourning into joy.  Your heart is tender, numb and broken, you lost someone you have loved very much.  There will be joy after healing for it is a promise given to us .

As for prayer, give your tears and heartache to God, this is prayer too.  If all we can do is groan the spirit is there praying for us. Jesus understands what it is to be broken hearted, for Mary and Martha wept for their brother, Jesus wept for they wept.  Mary his mother wept for her son, Jesus.  Here are a few people of God like yourself that lost loved ones.  When you pray tell God you are angry at him as you indicated, that you miss your gramma, you are numb and cannot cry  ... give and tell all things to him all of how you feel.  Do it to get out of the bog you are sinking into, let go of your hurts and sorrow so he can take it away and replace it with joy and other good things.  If your prayer is numbness let it be so and ask God to take away the numbness, when tears do start to flow and if so, give it to him as well. If all you can do in your numbness is call out his name, sit in silence and do so, this is prayer too. Think of it as not praying but communicating with you Father, God, if it helps, for prayer is communicating,  Your gramma was a woman of faith and taught you to be as well. Do not sink, breakthrough.  

Comment by anna marie alexander on April 14, 2011 at 10:12pm
sweet little angel, i understand the pain ur in, first im so sorry that u lost the most important person that u loved and loved u, i know this sounds sappy but time does heal and GOD is there for u,ur lost and upset, that is understandable, but please dont give up on JESUS!! HE LOVES YOU!!! Times will be hard, God didnt do this to ur gramma, disease did, maybe he had a bigger and better plan for her. I pray u can get through this, it took me a long time when i lost my mom, but it will happen, just trust in the lord, give ur pain to him. He loves u!!!!!
Comment by Raymond Rambo on April 14, 2011 at 7:03pm

Danielle, I'm so sorry for your lost - just remember God didn't do this, but He did allow it.  Sickness and death is here because we sinned in the Garden - God's plan was totally different but He did allow us to have free will and change His perfect plan.  However, He didn't leave us this way forever - He sent His Son Jesus to provide a way back to Him through Jesus' perfect sacrifice.

 

I lost my Mom several years ago and I experienced the exact same pains - you feel like it's just a dream.  I usually called and talked to Momma and Daddy everyday and it just didn't seem real.  I would pick up the phone and start dialing and realize I was not going to connect on the phone.  I prayed and prayed about it and finally I realized that really, she was closer now than ever before.  As a Christian, I know that Jesus lives in me and I know exactly where my mother is also, with Jesus.  My wife has bipolar disorder and we have struggled the last few years - my mom was always there to help encourage me.  Since shortly after my mother's death, my wife of 26 years filed for a divorce and is determined to go through with it.  I also left engineering and went into the hotel business with her family.  Once she filed for the divorce, they forced me out of the business and I have been battling with them for the last 5 years about the business value of my stock.  I would give anything to be able to talk with her so when I get that really lonely feeling, I finally just started talking to her and I realized that even though she can't respond back to me - I know that she can hear me and it always makes me feel better.  She always encouraged me to remember my wife is sick and needs my support!  She was my wife's greatest fan!

 

If you are not a Christian, I want to encourage you to develop a personal relationship with Jesus.  If your are a Christian, He promises He will never leave us nor forsake us and even though we will go through troubles - He will be there with us through them.  It makes all the difference in the world!  I will be praying for you; keep us informed as to how you are doing.  Take care and God Bless!

 

Comment by John Barbour on April 13, 2011 at 2:56pm

Danielle,

What you are going through is quite normal.  Since no one has yet shared with you the stages of grief; I will.  Even though they are called stages; they do not have to happen in this sequence and some can happen simultaneously.

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-

As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

7 Stages of Grief...

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

7 stages of grief...

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

http://www.memorialhospital.org/library/general/stress-the-3.html

Comment by YOHANNES ESTIFANOS on April 13, 2011 at 2:21pm
St. paul said deaing is gaing and living is Christ.
So I pray that you take care your self,.and for your
grandma is gaing because she is with Christ.
May God bless you and your family.
Comment by Mildred L. Johnsons on April 12, 2011 at 8:58pm

Danielle first of all I am sorry for your loss. It must be very hard for you to deal with your gramma gone. My Mom Mom died when I was 13 and I didn't even want to go to her funeral. I loved her very much!! I am the only one who has her red hair in my family. I  never once though thought God took her. I just knew she died of a heart condition. She actually had a stroke.

Since then I have some to know Jesus as my savior and understand a little more about sickness and death. God  didn't take your gamma, sickness is not of God, He is a loving God. When the world started Adam and Eve sinned against God and therefore God said they could never some into the garden again. They were seperated from God after that. Before they could walk freely amongst Him. Now sin is in the world, sickness death, all kinds of evil stuff. But man commited the act not God. God created us with a will, and He wanted us to make our own choices, mostly to believe in Him and love Him. A lot of people have chosen not to, and evil is a part of this world, even sickness. God can work good out of bad though and always does. Your gramma sounds like she believed in Jesus. That means she is in Heaven. So you hand on and you get in your Bible and read it. God loves you and He loves us all..get to know Him. He already knows you Psalm 139 tells me that. Hold on to your memories!! Get in a church and let them love on you..that is what God's family is for...I am praying and I know He will lead you to the rock which is Jesus His Son...Don't blame God hate the evil in the world ...

Comment by Michelle A Bekeza on April 12, 2011 at 2:30pm

Dear One, It is always us that are left  behind that suffer the most. Your Grandmother is with God in a place of love, light and happiness. She is beaming down upon you with a smile and nod of her head saying..'Be happy for me, I am home"  I too grieve for the loss of parents and grandparents..I feel the loss of thier love and attention daily..but time and faith allow me to enjoy each nd every day. Be there for your childen and the love God has for your life and the love you can share with others

 

It is always us that

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