ARE YOU KIDDING ME!   I wrote this journal below three and a half years ago!  Since then I have surpassed the 14 surgeries  mentioned below, by 8 more at least.  I went into remission with cancer in 2008 but it came back July 7th 2010  It amazes me that I thought I had finally been through the worse part of my life, only to find my faith in God was going to be tested just a little more.  I depended on Him like I never have this last year and a half  I begged, I pleaded and I have never been more terrified of dying.

Cancer ate a hole through my sternum, two of my ribs, my lymph nodes and infiltrated all lobes of my lungs  Every breath was painful, and people kept staring at me when I'd gasp for breath (it was random and sounded scarier than it actually was.) It sounded like it would be my last breath and was pretty embarrassing.  I kept telling everyone it was fine, that they were just lung hiccups.  Inside I was terrified every time that happened, I did not want to die trying to catch my breath with no success.

 However, once I got through the fear, I relaxed, I felt closer to God then ever before.  I just knew that eventually we were all going to join one another in heaven someday, so just have faith in His plan and do what must be done to get well.  It felt to me like it was too soon and there was so much more I still wanted to do.  It felt like there was humanitarian work left, a book to write, grandchildren I wanted to love, just so much.  I couldn't tell if this was just one of the five stages of facing death "denial" because it just didn't feel like it was my time to go.  No one is experienced in this.  The doctors have a way of instilling  fear by saying, "Well now it's just about the quality of the rest of your life and how many years we can get"  Once it's in the lungs, well...you know and the truth is, I didn't know and they would tell me to stay off the internet.

 When I asked the nurses in the office quietly," In your experience, what's the longest a patient in my condition lived?" One said with a huge smile, "Wow!  Well there was this one man Jack(I held onto the word WAS) who lived a long time!"  she turned to the other nurse and said,"How long was it? and the other nurse replied, "Four years!!!" I went white as a ghost, I was 47 and they were looking at me as if this was the answer I was searching for.  I was searching for 30 years!  I couldn't speak til I left the office because I was holding back tears of fear.  My entire life started flashing before my eyes and I felt like fainting. I wanted more than 4 years and to the nurses that was extraordinary.

I will tell you about my miracle in another blog (actually one of many miracles),  God's mercy, God's grace and His amazing gift of healing.  I have been prescribed chemotherapy 3 times and refused them all.  I chose God's pharmacy, though I did give in to radiation when my oncologist said there was a very good chance that I would be paralyzed from the waist down if I did not act fast in shrinking the one tumor eating away through my sternum it was headed for my spinal cord. 

The reason I am sharing this journal from 2008 is hopefully to inspire readers that may be going through a personal trial that either has or is beginning to change their attitude or lose faith during a tough trial.  I went through that and it was slowly deteriorating the beautiful God given spirit within me.  I knew I had to change because I knew it would only be the death of me one way or another; physically and/or spiritually.

Here it is, I hope it helps, even if it is one person.

I had surgery last Wednesday (July 9th, 2008) I am doing great! I find myself smiling today, remembering wonderful discoveries from the past. I have been so limited for the last two years with being ill and 14 surgeries during that time. I have managed to get out socially on occasion in between surgeries while recovering, but it has usually been for a short duration and then I am in the hospital having surgery again. I am not  griping about this. I am just amazed at the transformation of my attitude over that period and wanted to share something I find very valuable with you!

I lay in bed healing from surgeries  or being sick quite a bit those two years and in the beginning I remember how I would look at the clock on the wall; it seemed as if the hand had not moved at all. Time seemed endless. I can remember being frustrated when I would wake up early, because to me, with the pain and sickness my attitude was not positive or hopeful any longer.  I was wiped out.  Waking up early meant I had that much more time to be awake in my bed with limited things to do. I even removed the clock in anger for a while because time was not relevant then; I was bored and it was much easier passing the time away while asleep. Now, believe me, when I tell you, I know how depressing that sounds; but that is how it really was for me at this stage of my life. There were times when I could not walk or use my arms and I was so frustrated, I wanted to get out of bed and talk to people, laugh, hug, socialize and be me! It always seemed like everyone else was having a better time than I was; the grass is always greener right? The truth is, I knew deep down inside that there were many people going through much more difficulties than I was; there always is and I try to never forget that. Even though I knew this, I still could not shake this feeling of dread.

I did not like the way I was thinking, my attitude was becoming cynical, I knew I needed a major attitude adjustment and to somehow find faith again. The solution to this problem started so simply. I began a gratitude journal ( I use to journal things I was thankful for, but had long since left that aside) when I got a staph infection from one of my surgeries back in November 2006; it was right after my 3rd surgery when I was confined to my bed; I was so sick, I couldn't eat without throwing up for weeks because of a combination of things. I made a commitment to write in a gratitude journal every night. I had done this before in the past and it did wonders for me. I began with just five things that I could be grateful for even if it was just thanking God for toothpaste, or my comfortable feather down pillow. I started this journal because I was afraid I was losing my sense of gratitude during these difficult times; I did not want to become bitter, I knew people were capable of becoming cynics and sour pusses from going through much less than my present situation, so I knew I had definitely hit a crossroad where I had to choose a course of direction, a new path and way of perceiving my situation. This choice would directly affect me, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. With all that I had hurled at me, I could easily head down the road of destruction; fueled by pure negativity.

I forced myself to look around my bedroom and find things to be thankful for, you'd think being thankful to be alive would be plenty, right. When you feel miserable and confined, folks, it's not that easy.Therefore, I started by searching for five simple things I was taking for granted. In the beginning I barely filled up a 1/4 page and my writing was sloppy!

Dear God,

1) Thank you for my pillow 

2) Thank you for the air I'm breathing 

3) Thank you for the soup (even though it makes me sick, there's nutrients so, thank you)

4) Thank you for my toothbrush

5) Thank you for this journal, so I can start recognizing things to be thankful for once again

~Good night God 

I was still frustrated and to be honest a little sarcastic with my writing.; still angry. I really had to shift my my outlook to see things differently.At least it was something I had power within myself to do, I recognized that. It was not going to be easy, but I was determined in believing it was possible to be happy and smile in these circumstances! I always use to say, 'If you don't feel like smiling, smile anyway, the rest of you will catch on that there is something to smile about!" It was not long before I was filling up an entire page and then a couple pages each night, because an attitude adjustment was definitely taking place inside of me. Now, I was actually becoming concerned that I might leave something out that I was grateful for; just as if I had received a gift from someone and hadn't bothered to say thank you. 

I started finding value once again in the small things like, the one and only "soup spoon" I have and love verses the regular spoons (less spills :-), pink straws for my protein drinks, a phone call from a friend or a drawn picture of a fairy sent to me in the mail from the daughter of my best friend. A Josh Groban CD that made me feel so passionate and alive; it took me outside myself. I don't want to take things for granted, little moments, the chirping of birds each morning outside my window, now I can really hear them because my head is clutter free from all the negativity.  (They use to annoy me in the morning, but that changed  for me as a new reminder that someday I was going to be free to fly again!)

Eventually, I went beyond my journal and began to write down positive affirmations to boost my morale. The affirmations were phrases such as, "You are loved", "You have value", "There is beauty all around you", "and "God is with you" etc... I drew pictures of fairies (They cheered me up for some reason; I think their big beautiful wings signified freedom to me and the long flowing hair and whimsical gowns signified femininity that I was afraid of losing because of my breast cancer.) I had my daughter tape these pictures and positive affirmations on my ceiling for me (including each blade of my ceiling fan) so I would wake up to a room of positive messages and start my day with a smile. It got to the point where I was so appreciative that I felt immensely blessed, I felt rich and beautiful on the inside and felt I could get through anything. I empowered myself and chose a path of being positive.

What I have learned is this, sometimes "WE ARE GIVEN TOO MUCH TO HANDLE", and each of us copes with it differently. This is what shapes us or breaks us. Too much of one thing can cause you grief. If you get too much sun, it can burn you, too much work can burn you out, too much down time in bed can break your spirit. Gradually our attitude about the situation we are in can transform in one way or another. We all have different character, insight and abilities. Some of us; when given lemons can really make a great pitcher of lemonade and some people just toss the lemons aside, blinded in anger finding them absolutely useless!

Have you ever heard the story about the bricklayer? The message it delivers is simple yet powerful. "Once there were 3 bricklayers. Each one was asked what he was doing. The first man answered gruffly, 'I'm laying bricks.' The second man replied, 'I'm putting up a wall.' But the third man said enthusiastically and with pride, 'I'm building a cathedral.'" 

I love this story because it reminds me of my own God given power; my ability to change my perspective of whatever situation I am in. When I am feeling down about being confined to bed because of a surgery, I have a different attitude now. I can envision my body healing itself (there is a whole lot of work going on inside my body by me being still at peace and resting…)