I really don't know where to start. I have been unemployed off and on since last September. It's been so hard to find a full time job. I have had a couple jobs through temp services but either the pay was too little or not enough hours. It's been over 3 months since I have paid my rent. I have managed to keep my gas and electric on but I am now late with my electric for this month and fear it's going to be shut off on me. It could happen tomorrow. I have no way to pay it. Same with my gas. If it get's shut off I won't be able to cook or have hot water. I have little food. My phone has been shut off so I can't call a food bank. I wouldn't have the gas to get there anyway. I have like $34 to my name and that's it. No family I can turn to. I kind of had a falling out with them after my mother passed away in 2001. So I can't very well show up after all these years asking for help or money. I have no friends to turn to for help. I distanced myself from them some time ago due to them being a bad influence. So I sit here all alone in my apartment every day. I have been selling personal items just to get a little bit of money for food. Even some sentimental things that I had bought for my mother that I got back when she passed away. I've pretty much exhausted all my options. For the last couple of months I have tried to rededicate my life to the Lord. I was saved and baptized back in 1990. Since then I have fell away and then come back, only to fall again. That was before distancing myself from my friends and other bad influences though. Late one night I called a church that a woman had recommended to me. I used to work for AAA and while I was installing a battery for her we got to talking and she gave me some cd's of her pastors sermons. Plus a book. Anyway I called and left a voice mail explaining my situation. I was just wanting someone to talk to. I said I didn't want money but I guess they didn't believe me because I never heard from them. My old church that I used to go to and where I was baptized has a food pantry. Since I can't call I found their web site and sent an e-mail. Again explaining my situation and asking if maybe I could get some food. And again, I never heard from them. That one really disappointed me. I thought that was what the church was for. To help people regardless if they are an active member or not, saved or not. God moves through his children and answers prayers through his children. I'm not going to wake up to a stack of money on my table. A stranger is not going to stop by and offer help. And since I don't go to church or have any family or friends, I feel God is limited in what he can do. You pray to God and he lays it on someone's heart to help. Problem is no one knows I exist. So he can't move through anyone to help me. I'm currently not attending a church but I am going to start again. And my old church is where I was going to start going again but now I don't think so. It's ok though because I know where I want to go. I just haven't yet because I am so self conscience about not having money to tith. So you can see I am in a very big mess. I'm so filled with fear. I know what God's word says about fear but sometimes I just can't help but feel so scared. I have never been in this situation before. For the last couple of months all I have been doing is listening to the local christian radio station, reading my bible, and watching christian television. Trying to get filled with the word.
There is some good news however. I am supposed to start a new job hopefully sometime this week. I'm just waiting on them to e-mail me a day and time for orientation. I do know that I have the job. It just might be too late. My electric might be shut off any day and I may be getting an eviction notice on top of that. Not to mention I don't want to lose my cat, buddy. He is the best and only friend I have besides the Lord. I'm just tired of going through this nightmare. Of being worried and scared. Have you ever wished for the Lord to call you home? Or that the rapture would take place? That's me. This is no way to live.I just hope I don't loose my utilities or get evicted before I start receiving a couple pay check's, which I don't know when that will be.I don't know if they pay every week or every two weeks.
I want to mention that I did receive help from a christian ministry for some boots and a gas card for a job I got through a temp service. I thought I was just about out of this mess. I went 3 days and as it turned out, the company called the temp service and told them they didn't want/need me. So now I feel so bad about the help I got because I feel like it was wasted. This was just a couple of weeks ago. At least I have another job to look forward to. I'm so ready to get started.
I know there are other people who have bigger problems than me or who are in a worse situation than me. After all I do still have my health. And I am not homeless....yet. But for the other people after reading this, your problem may seem miniscule. I wouldn't wish my situation or life on anyone.
So, I could really use prayer. I need help. I sit here and I can feel the anxiety and fear upon me. No matter what happens to me, I will always love you God. I will always praise you and give you all the glory and credit for everything good that happens to me. Because I know that all good things come from you.